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#1
10-12-2007, 02:07 PM
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Gaps in Age of children. Big deal or not?
I have 4 children. My oldest son is 10 yo. My daughter is 6 yo and my youngest is 10 1/2 mths. old. I have a step-son who is turning 11 yo this month. Why is it when I go out, everyone makes such a big deal about the gaps in their ages? I just don't get it.
Another question is how to handle this. My husband's son is from his previous marriage. Last year he found out that this child he has known for the last 10 yrs. and raised is not his. This has been very hard. We have been together 2 yrs. in January and married 2 yrs. in May. "Austin" keeps asking me who his real dad is as he is afraid to ask his mom and dad. I don't know his mom from Adam & Eve and my husband doesn't want to talk about it. What can I do? I don't want this child to keep asking me and I have politely told him that that is something he will have to find out from his mom and dad. But he is hurting to know. Any suggestions?
__________________
~~~"The satirist shoots to kill while the humorist brings his prey back alive and eventually releases him again for another chance. Peter De Vries"~~~ 
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#2
10-12-2007, 02:20 PM
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People make a big deal because they are rude and ignorant. My only suggestion is explain that your husband is his dad. He is the one raising him. He may not be the biological one, but he is the one there for him. We are adoptive parents and I have explained to my daughter about the other mother and father in simple terms, for mine is 10 years old. I don't like the term real parents. It is confusing for kids.
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#3
10-12-2007, 02:37 PM
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Quote:
You might be best off consulting a child psychologist, that would probably benefit all of you.
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#4
10-12-2007, 04:21 PM
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He is seeing a psychotherapist. My husband separated from his ex when he was only 4 yrs. old as she was running around on him. I found out through a planner that was her's that he packed with books the record of her conception. His ex seems to be one of those mother's who takes for granted the gift she was given. She takes men for the money and when they catch her they leave. She goes on to the next one. Her fiance of 2 yrs left her last Friday as he caught her sleeping around. Back to the planner, she conceived in February of 1996 and met my husband in May. She told him she was pregnant in June. He thought he was the dad. She went into labor early. Her due date was 11/20 and she had a C-section on 10/20. he never thought to put the time together.
My husband has told me she never bonded with him in utero or even after birth. He worked 2 jobs, bought a house for her and her 2 daughters from a previous marriage, bought her a car and then they married in 1997. They split up in 2000. She had been running around on him all that time. His family tried telling him but he would not listen. My mother-in-law, as were are from a small town in FL., had heard she was pregnant prior to him meeting her and tried telling him. He ignored her. Due to the lack of a mother/child bond he suffers from, I guess it would fall under emotional/mental disorders. He is a sweet kid, but the therapist said he may have NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). He tried to strangle my daughter for no reason and has made threats to hurt us and himself. He was constantly lying amongst other things. It put me in a huge bind. Stay or leave? I chose to stay. I love my husband and children (blood or not, they are a part of the package I accepted from the get go for better and for worse). My husband was blind to alot of things happening here. But he has never mistreated or ran from this child. He called a therapist immediately in August and has been seeing him since September. My husband doesn't want to find his real father until he feels he is mature emotionally to handle it. We have both sat down with him and told him that he is his dad. Any man can make a child, but it takes a REAL man to raise one. And for that matter, he is his dad. I sat down with him and told him that even though I did not have you come from my tummy, I love you as much as I do the other 3. I didn't have to give birth to him to be able to love him. And he knows it. We are moving in the next 2 weeks to the country and he told me that when we moved he was going to call me Mom. I told him he didn't have to call me mom if it made him uncomfortable and that I would still love him whether he did or didn't. There is a lot more, but that is a novel in the works. 
__________________
~~~"The satirist shoots to kill while the humorist brings his prey back alive and eventually releases him again for another chance. Peter De Vries"~~~
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#5
10-12-2007, 04:51 PM
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Well, I think you are doing all the right things, and the things he has done such as attempting to strangle, threats to harm have to be taken seriously, so you need to keep an eye on him and the other children all the time. All of this is may be an attempt for attention? or emotional problems which are being addressed. All I can say is you have alot on your plate, it is a delicate condition which has to be handled with alot of love and patience on you and your husbands part, you can only do the best you know how to do, I wish you all the very best.
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#6
10-14-2007, 01:08 AM
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My daughter is 13 and my son is 7- so that is 6 years between them-I have never had any negative comments about the age "gap"- but if I was you- I would ignore the remarks said or come up with a remark of your own such as " we love our little helpers -it makes them feel more a part of the family by being big brother/sister to the little ones, not to mention the help I get" My daughter just loved helping me take care of her little brother- I feel it made them bond in a way that is different than siblings who are close in age. Of course there are problems every now and again- but nothing to big to be of any concern. Good luck in your dilemma- I hope everything works out.
__________________
Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.! Mahatma Gandhi "A loving heart is the truest wisdom."
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#7
10-17-2007, 03:24 PM
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Thank you to all for your response. Appreciated and taken well.
__________________
~~~"The satirist shoots to kill while the humorist brings his prey back alive and eventually releases him again for another chance. Peter De Vries"~~~
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#8
10-17-2007, 03:32 PM
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Me and my brother closest to me are 8 years apart(Floyd)...from him to the oldest brother is 5 years (Rick) and from him to my sister is 4 years(Renae) Me and Floyd were close until he was 18 and I was 10 and he moved out...I was left with no one...my sister is the one that killed me...I was so far apart from her and I wish that we could have had a better relationship when I was younger. Now that we are older things are a little different though...I am okay with all of my siblings...my niece (Sisters Child) is 20 and she just got married...I dont think their is a problem with the age difference...my mom had trouble having all of us...I am just thankful to be alive really! The only thing I think that really bothers some people is not having ANY siblings...my niece is an only child, so I was more like her sister...she always wanted to have a real sister or brother!
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(º·.¸(¨*·.¸¸.·*¨)¸.·º)  ***** LIZ! ***** (¸.·º(¸.·¨**¨·.¸)º·.¸)
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#9
10-18-2007, 11:26 AM
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Liz - I have age gaps like that too!!! There is 6 years difference between my little brother and I and 13 years between my baby brother and I - It never really bothered us very much!!
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Wendy
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#10
10-18-2007, 01:06 PM
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You didn't mention if your son was on medication and if so, how is that effecting him?
Perhaps it would be wise to consider finding out more about the biological father in order to investigate the possibility that he also had emotional disorders and, if so, to what extent. There are very strong genetic links associated with mood disorders and brain chemistry. I think if only for this reason your hubby needs to put your sons concern ahead of his own discomfort. It's not easy, but noone ever said that parenting was going to be. I also think it would probably be best to try to track things down while your son is younger. Check out his dad if you can before you mention anything to him about it, and see if you even want to. I am probably not in the majority with this opinion, but my ex is crappy, my kids know it, and they have grown to understand that just because he is, they don't have to be. Sure, they were disappointed in him, and it hurt at the time, but they know him, forgive him, and accept him for what he is without having any raised expectations about what he might be like if he called more often, cared more, or could try to put them first. They know it isn't going to happen, and it doesn't matter so much. They are great little persons, happy kids. We have a fun family and knowing what the world can be like hasn't hurt them, it has just made them better people.
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