HURT and confused...need prayer and advice.

[Ladyofshalott]

Hey everyone, thought I would share some of what I have gone through during the Summer and to ask you to keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I try and put this difficult and hurtful experience behind me. I guess I just needed to VENT too. Thanks for taking the time to read this.


I had very deep feelings for a man I met online from New York( I live in Pittsburgh PA). I met him last Oct. and we talked every day for 4-5 hours..eventually we started talking on the phone as well. I invited him to come for a visit and he said he would like that...so we sorta had plans to meet but never really talked much about setting up the actual date. Anyways, around Dec. early Jan I could feel myself becoming close to him emotionally and I wanted to be more than just his friend. Then my car accident happened and I told him I had feelings for him,I cared for him, I wish we lived closer..etc..and that I STILL wanted to meet him to see if there could possibly be MORE between us. I sent him a text message one day saying "I love you. I love the person you are." He replied with " ty. I love u 2" After this we got more serious about him coming here to meet me. He came here on Sept 7th 2008 and left on the 10th. He told me, during the months leading up to the visit, that he was coming here to see about me and him in a relationship.

Well, over the Summer, in June, one morning, I found a message on my Yahoo messenger..that was sent to me offline during the night. It was a VERY romantic type message. The words " I love you babe xoxoxo" were included. Plus a line about wanting to sleep over. BUT the more I read the more I realized this message was NOT meant for me. He talked about snuggling, and about a wonderful time he had at the museum with this person..etc..so I KNEW he wasn't referring to me. So I figured what had happened was...he sent this message to me by mistake( clicked on the wrong name in his yahoo list),and it was really meant for another woman. I was devastated! I asked him about it later in the day after he got off work. He said that yes he was seeing someone but it was nothing serious. Now 2 weeks PRIOR to me finding this message I had asked him if he was seeing someone because I noticed him and I didn't talk as much as we used to. He said " No Dawn I am not seeing anyone. I would tell you if I was." So basically he LIED to me about this girl. He was seeing her when he told me he wasn't seeing anyone. What was the point to that lie???? Why did he feel he had to lie to me about her? Anyways, like a DUMMY, because I had such strong feelings for this man, I asked him if he still wanted to come to visit me and see about me and him and a relationship and he replied that he did and that he was still interested in me. So he came here.

One night , in the hotel room he was staying at, I asked him what he thought about me and him( the possibility of a relationship) and he told me he was thinking we would just be friends. Then he went on to say he still wanted to talk with me, call me, talk to me online, on the phone..etc. even mentioned something about me coming to New York to visit him and he would show me around. I wanted to know WHY he didn't want to pursue a relationship with me. He said because it would be a long distance one and he felt it best not to get into that..all the traveling back and forth..etc..in other words..too much effort and work was required. I asked him what didn't he like about me and he said "nothing..there's nothing I don't like. I just feel the distance would be a problem." I think this reason was a LIE because he KNEW it would involve long distance BEFORE he even got on the plane, so how does that reason make any sense? If it were the true reason, in my opinion, he never should have come here in the first place. THE REAL reason I think he didn't want to pursue a relationship with me is because upon seeing me in person, he just wasn't attracted to me physically. See, up to this point he had ONLY seen a picture of me online from the neck up, and I am overweight. I was upfront and honest with him BEFORE he made the trip,telling him about my weight problem. I was shocked, when I saw him in person, that he is overweight as well( I had only seen a pic. of him online from the neck up as well). I was actually kind of happy he was overweight because I figured since he is he wouldn't mind me being overweight. So I am thinking he didn't want to be with me because of how I looked. This girl he has back home is probably more attractive than I am.

Anyways, I asked him if he was SERIOUS about this( remaining friends)??? He said "YES". I said ok, and told him if he ever didn't want to talk with me again to let me know so I am not sitting here thinking we are friends and calling him and messaging him when he doesn't want to be bothered. He said "I understand and will respect that request". I have NOT heard from him in any way, shape or form since he left here on the 10th of Sept. So apparently he LIED about wanting to remain friends too. WHY??? I don't understand this lying of his. Why not just tell me he thought it best to not talk anymore? I could understand if he didn't have the guts to say that to my face but he still could have sent me an email after returning home, or an offline message, called me, send me a letter...ANYTHING. By not doing any of those things he knew I would still be around wanting to talk and be friends. He told me, while he was here, he wasn't 100% sure about this girl he was seeing now and that is why he still came to visit me.

I feel so disrespected, hurt and played with. All because of LIES. And I never did anything to this man to deserve this. Never treated him rudely, meanly or disrespectfully. I only told and showed him how much I cared and that he was someone special to me.


I am also struggling with....what in the world did I DO wrong? I asked him if he felt I was REAL? As in..did he feel I was the same person upon meeting me as I was online and talking on the phone? He said "YES you are the same...outgoing...friendly"..etc. I asked him , hypothetically speaking, "if I lived closer say about 10 or 20 mins away...would things be different between us..as in...would you consider a relationship with me?" He replied..."possibly" What is THAT supposed to mean???

I am trying to get over this, but it is difficult. He truly broke my heart.

If anyone has any advice on what I can do to get over this man, I would appreciate it. Thanks again.



Dawn

[Cpogie]

I just read your story Dawn, I know you are devastated right now, but be thankful you found out this man (and I say that lightly) was not the man you thought he was before something more serious happened.
I can't even tell you how dangerous it is to have a relationship with someone on the computer, but I can tell you a story of one of my friends. While my friend Leslie was living in Texas she met a man on the computer, fell in love with him, just as you did, and he eventually moved in with her. She bought him a Corvette, wined and dined him and then found out he was wanted for molesting kids! She turned him in, he is in jail where he belongs. He conned her so he could be close to other kids that lived in her gated and locked housing community!!! So beware and be thankful. Your heart will heal, and you will find the man of your dreams. He is out there, have faith. HUGS.

[Ladyofshalott]

Thank you so much for your reply. I keep wondering...how could I have been SOOO wrong about him??? Is it me? Was there something wrong with me? He didn't come across as a harmful person, so I never was afraid of him ....afraid for my safety I mean. I have tried calling him since he left here, but I ALWAYS get voice mail. Sometimes I leave a message..just asking him how he is doing etc...He NEVER returns my calls. It is as though he has totally forgotten all about me,which he told me he wouldn't do. How could someone play with another persons mind like that? I think that is a terrible way to treat someone. I can't imagine myself ever treating anyone in that manner...my conscience wouldn't let me rest if I did.

I hope my heart will heal. Some days I do ok....others...well...I still have moments where I just break down in tears. My friends are telling me that possibly God allowed me to see that message he sent me by mistake so I would SEE what kind of things he does. The type of person he is.

I wanted to say also...I am so sorry for what your friend went through. What a terrible experience/ordeal for her!

Thank you again for your encouragement.

Dawn

[2550]

Dawn-Maybe after meeting you in person, he realized what a great person you are and what a skunk he his. Maybe he had a revelation and realized that he didn't want to hurt you, so he dropped out of sight after letting you down as gently as he knew how. Your feelings will heal. Be thankful that he didn't prolong a fanthom relationship. He could have really suckered you into stuff, love is blind....
Every dog has his day, his will come sooner or later, have trust in that, it's just karma....

[danajc83]

I am sorry you are going through this and i know it is hard right now but your broken heart will heal in time. I will be praying for you and for the right man to come your way!

[Cpogie]

Dawn, there are so many men like this you would be suprised. All you need to do is look in some of the dating sites, these men are so brazen they say right in their ad that they are married but looking for fun on the side....you are very lucky you were not married to this con man!

[Ladyofshalott]

Dawn-Maybe after meeting you in person, he realized what a great person you are and what a skunk he his. Maybe he had a revelation and realized that he didn't want to hurt you, so he dropped out of sight after letting you down as gently as he knew how. Your feelings will heal. Be thankful that he didn't prolong a fanthom relationship. He could have really suckered you into stuff, love is blind....
Every dog has his day, his will come sooner or later, have trust in that, it's just karma....

I understand that while he was here he most likely wanted to hurt me as little as possible. So he probably just told me he still wanted to talk with me and be friends as a " let her down easy" type of thing. Maybe he figured since he just told me he didn't want a relationship, he would mention about remaining friends so I wouldn't get MORE hurt, upset and emotional. I am not upset or mad that he didn't want a relationship with me. I mean yes I wanted to be with him but that isn't what is so hard for me to take. It is him, once he got back home, not TELLING me he doesn't think it is a good idea to keep talking with me. The reason this hurts so much is the fact that he TOLD me BEFORE leaving here he would TELL me if he ever didn't want to talk with me or be friends anymore. He could email me, leave me an offline message on yahoo...something. He KNOWS me. He KNOWS I still care and have feelings for him and he also knows I am waiting for him to come online or call to talk with me. How could he just let me ....sit here like that?

Oh one more thing happened...while he was here he broke down in tears telling me he thought about suicide on more than one occasion. I was SHOCKED by this. He said it is because of his job. To make a long story short, he is a supervisor at a post office in Brooklyn NY, and there is a guy there who is trying VERY HARD to get him fired. So Joe( the guy who came to see me) told me that he feels as though he is FIGHTING for his job every time he goes into work. He was SOBBING while he was telling me all this. Now in light of that, you would think he would at least get in touch with me one time to let me know he is ok. While he was here I asked him to PROMISE me he wouldn't harm himself and I hugged him and told him I was here for him...to call me anytime day or night. He said he couldn't promise me that because he didn't know if things would get better at work or not. SO he is aware that I am sitting here wondering if he is OK. I just can't believe he is doing this...ignoring me.

Dawn

[Cpogie]

I understand that while he was here he most likely wanted to hurt me as little as possible. So he probably just told me he still wanted to talk with me and be friends as a " let her down easy" type of thing. Maybe he figured since he just told me he didn't want a relationship, he would mention about remaining friends so I wouldn't get MORE hurt, upset and emotional. I am not upset or mad that he didn't want a relationship with me. I mean yes I wanted to be with him but that isn't what is so hard for me to take. It is him, once he got back home, not TELLING me he doesn't think it is a good idea to keep talking with me. The reason this hurts so much is the fact that he TOLD me BEFORE leaving here he would TELL me if he ever didn't want to talk with me or be friends anymore. He could email me, leave me an offline message on yahoo...something. He KNOWS me. He KNOWS I still care and have feelings for him and he also knows I am waiting for him to come online or call to talk with me. How could he just let me ....sit here like that?

Oh one more thing happened...while he was here he broke down in tears telling me he thought about suicide on more than one occasion. I was SHOCKED by this. He said it is because of his job. To make a long story short, he is a supervisor at a post office in Brooklyn NY, and there is a guy there who is trying VERY HARD to get him fired. So Joe( the guy who came to see me) told me that he feels as though he is FIGHTING for his job every time he goes into work. He was SOBBING while he was telling me all this. Now in light of that, you would think he would at least get in touch with me one time to let me know he is ok. While he was here I asked him to PROMISE me he wouldn't harm himself and I hugged him and told him I was here for him...to call me anytime day or night. He said he couldn't promise me that because he didn't know if things would get better at work or not. SO he is aware that I am sitting here wondering if he is OK. I just can't believe he is doing this...ignoring me.

Dawn

Dawn, this man was clearly a player! thank god you didn't get anymore involved with him. Now it is time to heal your heart and get over him. He is not worthy of you or any other woman.

Please do not contact him again, you need to cut all ties to him. I bet I could find some info on him that would make you glad you aren't associated with him anymore. I'm pretty good at detective work.

I promise you this, you will find the man of your dreams, and when you do, you will know when it is right! Real men do not treat women like crap.

[we3kings]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds to me like you are trying to make sense out of what has happened to you and all you can think about is, WHY DID THIS HAPPEN? WAS IT MY FAULT? WAS IT THE WAY I LOOKED? BUT HE PROMISED HE'D TELL ME? The sad fact is, if you caught him in one lie, it's probably just the tip of the iceberg. You sound like you have faith, if you do, please believe that God has something else in store for you. Please believe that you do not need a man to make you happy. Take the energy you are using to try and figure this out, and use it to improve yourself. Take a class you've always wanted to try. Or find a new hobby. When you build up your self-esteem, the right man will find you. Don't be afraid to talk to a professional if you just can't get past it. Take Care. I'll say a prayer for you to find contentment.

[Ladyofshalott]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds to me like you are trying to make sense out of what has happened to you and all you can think about is, WHY DID THIS HAPPEN? WAS IT MY FAULT? WAS IT THE WAY I LOOKED? BUT HE PROMISED HE'D TELL ME? The sad fact is, if you caught him in one lie, it's probably just the tip of the iceberg. You sound like you have faith, if you do, please believe that God has something else in store for you. Please believe that you do not need a man to make you happy. Take the energy you are using to try and figure this out, and use it to improve yourself. Take a class you've always wanted to try. Or find a new hobby. When you build up your self-esteem, the right man will find you. Don't be afraid to talk to a professional if you just can't get past it. Take Care. I'll say a prayer for you to find contentment.

Thank you for your suggestions. I have thought about professional help, but my current financial situation limits me on what I can do. I am taking some steps to improve myself. I'm in a weight loss program. I am being more active in my church, getting out and doing things. I am looking for employment. It just seems to be difficult getting past this whole ordeal. In the back of my mind he is always there.

You made a statement and I was wondering what exactly you meant by it. I don't mean to sound dense lol...but I didn't want to misinterpret what you typed. You said " when you build up your self-esteem, the right man will find you." My low self-esteem has to do with the type of men I am attracting?

I truly do hope and pray that God has someone else for me.

Dawn

Dawn

[mom2fussbudgets]

Dawn, this man was clearly a player! thank god you didn't get anymore involved with him. Now it is time to heal your heart and get over him. He is not worthy of you or any other woman.

Please do not contact him again, you need to cut all ties to him. I bet I could find some info on him that would make you glad you aren't associated with him anymore. I'm pretty good at detective work.

I promise you this, you will find the man of your dreams, and when you do, you will know when it is right! Real men do not treat women like crap.

Dawn, Carol is absolutely right. This man is a player and a user. I'm worried about getting too personal here...but I'm going to say it anyway. It is easy for men to have s e x and not form personal attachments. If you slept with him, he has used you and has moved on. If you did not have s e x with him, he has moved on because you did not. He is a USER with a capital U.

This is not your fault, you did NOTHING wrong. He is a user and a player and an a$$hole. Time to stop worrying about him and move on, girl! And, thank your lucky stars you didn't come out of this worse off!

Carol is also right in saying that a real man would not treat you like crap. Keep your chin up, girl. There ARE good men out there.

[Ladyofshalott]

Dawn, this man was clearly a player! thank god you didn't get anymore involved with him. Now it is time to heal your heart and get over him. He is not worthy of you or any other woman.

Please do not contact him again, you need to cut all ties to him. I bet I could find some info on him that would make you glad you aren't associated with him anymore. I'm pretty good at detective work.

I promise you this, you will find the man of your dreams, and when you do, you will know when it is right! Real men do not treat women like crap.



What do you mean you could find some info about him for me? lol Sounds sneaky but fun :D . I am 100% sure he is not some criminal if that is what you are thinking of finding out. But it would be interesting to see if there is anything about him I don't know about. He mentioned to me that he has been in about 10 relationships in his lifetime. The longest one lasting a year. He also told me the woman is always the one who breaks it off. I was SHOCKED. I said they are ALWAYS the one who comes to you saying they no longer want to be in the relationship???? He said "yep". So what I WISH is to know at least one of these women and talk with them so I can ask them what he is REALLY LIKE and why they decided to break things off. I know I can't ever find out who he was seeing...I am just saying I WISH I could lol. My mom and friends told me that is a sign right there that he probably isn't as great as I think he is. They tell me....10 women can't ALL be wrong! They were around him a LOT more than you are so they must have seen something that made them head for the hills.

Dawn

[Ladyofshalott]

Dawn, Carol is absolutely right. This man is a player and a user. I'm worried about getting too personal here...but I'm going to say it anyway. It is easy for men to have s e x and not form personal attachments. If you slept with him, he has used you and has moved on. If you did not have s e x with him, he has moved on because you did not. He is a USER with a capital U.

This is not your fault, you did NOTHING wrong. He is a user and a player and an a$$hole. Time to stop worrying about him and move on, girl! And, thank your lucky stars you didn't come out of this worse off!

Carol is also right in saying that a real man would not treat you like crap. Keep your chin up, girl. There ARE good men out there.

Don't worry, you didn't get too personal. No, I did not have s e x with him. He didn't seem to want to even hold my hand. He didn't put his arm around me or anything. He seemed as though he didn't want me to come onto him in any way. So I am not sure that s e x , or lack of, had anything to do with him moving on. I just think he didn't like my looks :( :( :( .

I hope one of those GOOD MEN come my way soon!

Dawn

[ALawicki]

I am so sorry about your situation. I know it is hard. I was once told that it takes twice the amount of time you were "with" the person to get over them. When I ended things with my last boyfriend which was extremely serious, I thought, OH GOD, I can't wait that long to move on. I moved on in a shorter time than that, but all the feelings I had for him took longer than me just being happy with the next guy I dated. Finally I am over him, and extremely happy with who I am with now. I know that you will eventually find someone better, and it will happen when you least expect it. As far as what to do right now, I suggest just surrounding yourself with people that matter the most to you. Professional help would be helpful, but like you said it is expensive and we all can't always afford the outrageous fees that they charge. As far as cheap help goes, I really suggest to dig your nose into helpful books. They really do work. It is crazy to think that some people just don't care about anyone's feelings but their own yet they seem to get through life so easily. With that said, he may be feeling really bad about what he did (but also most likely not). It is really sad that he just goes around and does this to women (since he obviously had another woman). All I can say is try as hard as you can to keep yourself busy and not think about it as little as possible. I know that is hard, but really time is the only thing that will fix this wound. Hope this helps atleast a little.:o

[mom2fussbudgets]

Don't worry, you didn't get too personal. No, I did not have s e x with him. He didn't seem to want to even hold my hand. He didn't put his arm around me or anything. He seemed as though he didn't want me to come onto him in any way. So I am not sure that s e x , or lack of, had anything to do with him moving on. I just think he didn't like my looks :( :( :( .

I hope one of those GOOD MEN come my way soon!

Dawn


You may be right, and the physical attraction just wasn't there. Still, not your fault! I am SO glad you didn't sleep with him!

[Cpogie]

What do you mean you could find some info about him for me? lol Sounds sneaky but fun :D . I am 100% sure he is not some criminal if that is what you are thinking of finding out. But it would be interesting to see if there is anything about him I don't know about. He mentioned to me that he has been in about 10 relationships in his lifetime. The longest one lasting a year. He also told me the woman is always the one who breaks it off. I was SHOCKED. I said they are ALWAYS the one who comes to you saying they no longer want to be in the relationship???? He said "yep". So what I WISH is to know at least one of these women and talk with them so I can ask them what he is REALLY LIKE and why they decided to break things off. I know I can't ever find out who he was seeing...I am just saying I WISH I could lol. My mom and friends told me that is a sign right there that he probably isn't as great as I think he is. They tell me....10 women can't ALL be wrong! They were around him a LOT more than you are so they must have seen something that made them head for the hills.

Dawn

Dawn, anyone can do a search and find out things about people, not always but sometimes. Just type in his name on Google...
I thought for a moment you were maybe really young, but checked your profile and see you are older than I thought and have a couple of kids. Think what this moron could of done to your kids had they got to know him? He definately is not a roll model for anyone let alone himself. He is nothing but a user and a loser.
I don't know what more anyone can tell you. Your mother is right, 10 women cannot be wrong. Forget him and please do not email him, or call him. He is not worth another thought or any of your time. It is just wasted energy.

You found love in the past, and it will happen again, just give it some time. Don't discount yourself, you are worth more than that. You have a loving heart that is broken right now, it will heal in time.

[we3kings]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds to me like you are trying to make sense out of what has happened to you and all you can think about is, WHY DID THIS HAPPEN? WAS IT MY FAULT? WAS IT THE WAY I LOOKED? BUT HE PROMISED HE'D TELL ME? The sad fact is, if you caught him in one lie, it's probably just the tip of the iceberg. You sound like you have faith, if you do, please believe that God has something else in store for you. Please believe that you do not need a man to make you happy. Take the energy you are using to try and figure this out, and use it to improve yourself. Take a class you've always wanted to try. Or find a new hobby. When you build up your self-esteem, the right man will find you. Don't be afraid to talk to a professional if you just can't get past it. Take Care. I'll say a prayer for you to find contentment.

Thank you for your suggestions. I have thought about professional help, but my current financial situation limits me on what I can do. I am taking some steps to improve myself. I'm in a weight loss program. I am being more active in my church, getting out and doing things. I am looking for employment. It just seems to be difficult getting past this whole ordeal. In the back of my mind he is always there.

You made a statement and I was wondering what exactly you meant by it. I don't mean to sound dense lol...but I didn't want to misinterpret what you typed. You said " when you build up your self-esteem, the right man will find you." My low self-esteem has to do with the type of men I am attracting?

I truly do hope and pray that God has someone else for me.

Dawn

Dawn

Yes, I do believe that we attract people by what we display about ourselves, whether consciously or not. I don't know you, but what you have shared does seem to indicate that your self-esteem could use a boost. And only you can do that for yourself. I'm glad to hear you are doing things to improve yourself, but keep in mind, there is nothing wrong with you. If people can't accept you for who you are, the heck with them.
As far as not being able to afford help goes, there are groups for people who have similar problems. Contact "first call for help" usually located in your phone book or contact your clergy for reference to free or affordable help. Give yourself time to heal. {{{{HUGS}}}}

[Ladyofshalott]

Yes, I do believe that we attract people by what we display about ourselves, whether consciously or not. I don't know you, but what you have shared does seem to indicate that your self-esteem could use a boost. And only you can do that for yourself. I'm glad to hear you are doing things to improve yourself, but keep in mind, there is nothing wrong with you. If people can't accept you for who you are, the heck with them.
As far as not being able to afford help goes, there are groups for people who have similar problems. Contact "first call for help" usually located in your phone book or contact your clergy for reference to free or affordable help. Give yourself time to heal. {{{{HUGS}}}}

Thank you so much for your suggestion. I wasn't even aware there was such a section in the phone book. Joe sucked the life right out of me...my life....and I need to get it back! I thought he was someone I could trust. I thought he loved what he SAW IN ME. I was wrong. Maybe there is a man out there who will love me for who I am and see the good IN me...be able to look past the outward to the inward....which, imo is the most important, lasting thing.

Thank you for the hugs :)

Dawn

[cath_31]

I just read you story and I am sorry it is so hard for you to get over this. I understand how easy it is to get attached to someone on the internet. I used to go in the chatrooms, just to socialize and did end up developing bonds with a few of the guys I chatted with. One of them, I started talking to on the phone and we eventually met, but then I realized he was not the person I thought he was- I was quite crushed by this realization as well.

I was dating someone else for a couple months (not thru the internet) and one day I went to his house unannounced and there was another girl there that he was having lunch with. He told me it was nothing. I told him to let me know if he was still going out on the double date we had planned with my friend and her date. He said he was. He lied, he didn't end up calling me so I ended up going with a different friend of mine (the one that set me up with him) and my other friend and her date. I felt like crap. Why did he lie to me??? That relationship took me about a year to get over. It did make me feel good when he called me to apologize after his relationship started having troubles. I said, "Better late than never, eh?" and of course didn't want anything to do with him. You are looking for closure, that is the problem. Alot of guys do not give us the closure that we need. I agree with the others that you should just completely stop trying to contact him, by phone and email. He is not worth your time, BUT if it will help you get closure you may want to type up an email telling him some of the things you need to get off your chest. You can just do this and put it into your "Draft" file and not email it or if you really need to, send it to him. Only do this if it will help you get the closure you need. After that, you should not contact him again, period.

I can relate to your situation. If you want to PM me more about this, feel free. Be strong and Good Luck :)

[MandMnmbr3]

Dawn, I just read your story and wanted to say I agree with all of the other posters on here. I'm sorry your heart is aching, but it is best to find out what he is really like before you made a committment to him. Especially since you have children. Be thankful that you didn't get into a more serious relationship with him.

As far as you you having low self esteem, hon men like "Joe" pick up on that!!! They will say and pretty much do whatever it takes to see how far they can go in a "relationship." They get a "high" off of feeding lines to vunerable women.

Carol is right on target with all she said. You just NEVER know about these men who are online, even some women for that matter.

If I were you I would definately look him like Carol suggested. You can look him up on the Dru Sjodin National S E X Offenders Public Website (http://www.nsopr.gov/)or the FBI (http://www.fbi.gov/hq/cid/cac/registry.htm) site.

Good riddens to bad rubbish!!!!

Hugs,
Mae

[Ladyofshalott]

I just read you story and I am sorry it is so hard for you to get over this. I understand how easy it is to get attached to someone on the internet. I used to go in the chatrooms, just to socialize and did end up developing bonds with a few of the guys I chatted with. One of them, I started talking to on the phone and we eventually met, but then I realized he was not the person I thought he was- I was quite crushed by this realization as well.

I was dating someone else for a couple months (not thru the internet) and one day I went to his house unannounced and there was another girl there that he was having lunch with. He told me it was nothing. I told him to let me know if he was still going out on the double date we had planned with my friend and her date. He said he was. He lied, he didn't end up calling me so I ended up going with a different friend of mine (the one that set me up with him) and my other friend and her date. I felt like crap. Why did he lie to me??? That relationship took me about a year to get over. It did make me feel good when he called me to apologize after his relationship started having troubles. I said, "Better late than never, eh?" and of course didn't want anything to do with him. You are looking for closure, that is the problem. Alot of guys do not give us the closure that we need. I agree with the others that you should just completely stop trying to contact him, by phone and email. He is not worth your time, BUT if it will help you get closure you may want to type up an email telling him some of the things you need to get off your chest. You can just do this and put it into your "Draft" file and not email it or if you really need to, send it to him. Only do this if it will help you get the closure you need. After that, you should not contact him again, period.

I can relate to your situation. If you want to PM me more about this, feel free. Be strong and Good Luck :)

Catherine,
Thank you so much for your reply. You hit the nail on the head. I am wanting, needing, looking for, closure! I feel as though he is "getting away with" all the hurt, pain and emotional confusion he has caused me. He lied to me about so many things, came here and took advantage of my hospitality( I drove him ALL around Pittsburgh) , went back home to his girlfriend, and now it is as though I don't even exist to him. I want to tell him how he made me feel. What emotional turmoil he put me through. I know it is wrong...but part of me wants him to feel badly about how he treated me. I want him to hear the pain in my voice. I would not call him names or cuss at him or yell..etc..I am not like that. I simply want to have MY say! He is having the time of his life with his gf and I am sitting here with NO ONE. I just feel so played with. He came here with nothing to lose. He knew, when he saw me, even if things weren't going to work out between us he had this other woman back home. He wasn't thinking about how it would effect me if he said no to a relationship. I am seeing NOW how every step he made was all about HIM and what HE WANTED. I don't think he ever really took my feelings into consideration. He kept me "around" before the visit because he was curious about me. Wanted to "check me out" in person. Now that he has come here seen me and left, he figures it no longer benefits him to stay in contact with me, because he has seen the "whole package" and decided I wasn't worth the effort. So him telling me " I want to still talk and remain friends" turned out to be yet another LIE.

You asked a question that I think about all the time. WHY DID HE LIE? Why did he feel he had to? That is one question that has me down on myself. He is thinking I am the type of person he has to LIE to???

About this man you met on the internet and decided he wasn't who you thought he was. What was it about him that was different in person? What did you see in him, face to face, that you didn't pick up on or know about online? If you don't mind me asking.

Thank you again for your reply it has been very helpful!

God bless

HUGS
Dawn

[Ladyofshalott]

Dawn, I just read your story and wanted to say I agree with all of the other posters on here. I'm sorry your heart is aching, but it is best to find out what he is really like before you made a committment to him. Especially since you have children. Be thankful that you didn't get into a more serious relationship with him.

As far as you you having low self esteem, hon men like "Joe" pick up on that!!! They will say and pretty much do whatever it takes to see how far they can go in a "relationship." They get a "high" off of feeding lines to vunerable women.

Carol is right on target with all she said. You just NEVER know about these men who are online, even some women for that matter.

If I were you I would definately look him like Carol suggested. You can look him up on the Dru Sjodin National S E X Offenders Public Website (http://www.nsopr.gov/)or the FBI (http://www.fbi.gov/hq/cid/cac/registry.htm) site.

Good riddens to bad rubbish!!!!

Hugs,
Mae

Mae,
Thank you so much for your reply. I think this whole situation boils down to..I fell for Joe wayyyyy to easily. I gave my heart away before I ever really knew the man. I became so emotionally attached that by the time I read that message meant for his other woman, I was in too deep to let go. The TRUTH was right there for me to see. He had a gf and I let him come and visit me anyhow. That was a BIG MISTAKE, and now I am paying the price.

Thank you for those links. I really don't believe he is a s e x offender. But it won't hurt anything to check into his background.

God bless and take care!

Dawn

[cath_31]

Catherine,
Thank you so much for your reply. You hit the nail on the head. I am wanting, needing, looking for, closure! I feel as though he is "getting away with" all the hurt, pain and emotional confusion he has caused me. He lied to me about so many things, came here and took advantage of my hospitality( I drove him ALL around Pittsburgh) , went back home to his girlfriend, and now it is as though I don't even exist to him. I want to tell him how he made me feel. What emotional turmoil he put me through. I know it is wrong...but part of me wants him to feel badly about how he treated me. I want him to hear the pain in my voice. I would not call him names or cuss at him or yell..etc..I am not like that. I simply want to have MY say! He is having the time of his life with his gf and I am sitting here with NO ONE. I just feel so played with. He came here with nothing to lose. He knew, when he saw me, even if things weren't going to work out between us he had this other woman back home. He wasn't thinking about how it would effect me if he said no to a relationship. I am seeing NOW how every step he made was all about HIM and what HE WANTED. I don't think he ever really took my feelings into consideration. He kept me "around" before the visit because he was curious about me. Wanted to "check me out" in person. Now that he has come here seen me and left, he figures it no longer benefits him to stay in contact with me, because he has seen the "whole package" and decided I wasn't worth the effort. So him telling me " I want to still talk and remain friends" turned out to be yet another LIE.

You asked a question that I think about all the time. WHY DID HE LIE? Why did he feel he had to? That is one question that has me down on myself. He is thinking I am the type of person he has to LIE to???

About this man you met on the internet and decided he wasn't who you thought he was. What was it about him that was different in person? What did you see in him, face to face, that you didn't pick up on or know about online? If you don't mind me asking.

Thank you again for your reply it has been very helpful!

God bless

HUGS
Dawn

Don't think why did he lie to YOU. Do you think that he told his GF that he was coming to meet you? He is lying to her too. He is a LIAR. It is nothing you did. It is just the way he is.

I forgot to add that the guy who didn't call me back, I did contact him by leaving a message on his voice mail and asked him to PLEASE call me back to let me know what was going on. He didn't and I think that is why it took me so long to get over him. If he would have called me back, I would have had the closure I so desperately needed. As for the other situation, I will PM you about the details.

[Ladyofshalott]

Don't think why did he lie to YOU. Do you think that he told his GF that he was coming to meet you? He is lying to her too. He is a LIAR. It is nothing you did. It is just the way he is.

I forgot to add that the guy who didn't call me back, I did contact him by leaving a message on his voice mail and asked him to PLEASE call me back to let me know what was going on. He didn't and I think that is why it took me so long to get over him. If he would have called me back, I would have had the closure I so desperately needed. As for the other situation, I will PM you about the details.

Catherine,
You know exactly what I am going through. I have left countless messages( usually about 2 a week since he left) on his voice mail and he has not returned one of them. I asked him how he is doing and if work is going any better for him. So I think you are right, if he would just call me or come online so we could talk, I could get out what I want to say and ask him what I need to ask. I really do think I would heal a little more quickly if I could just have my say...you know?

HUGS
Dawn

[messajarjar]

I met someone years ago when I was finishing the last years of my degree in college and I spent time in the chat rooms to kill time in between classes. This was so long ago that they were done in DOS-there was no Windows at that time! No pictures, no emoticans, no messanger (can you imagine!?!?!?!)

Anyway, I met someone who was very similar to your Romeo-charming, attentive, lots in common, etc. There was no relationship, but he seemed to think he could tell me what to do. I stopped talking to him when he got mad that I went out one day instead of getting online to chat with him. Way over the line on that one.

To make a long story short, about 6 months later another new name showed up in the chat room. Same characteristics: wooing every woman on the board. I figured out who he was and blew his cover. Can I tell you how mad he got? Too bad! I think I saved a bunch of us a lot of heartache in the end!

The whole point beyond this little story is that if someone can't love you for you are-the whole package-then they just aren't worth wasting your time on. YOU didn't do anything wrong. He just wasn't the one for you. Maybe you'll meet your white knight and maybe not. The best thing you can do as all of the others wonderful ladies on this board have said is heal YOURSELF, learn to love YOURSELF, and then, and ONLY then, will you be able to accept someone's , the RIGHT someone's, love and affection.

I too am a divorced mom who has raised a child for the last 16 years on my own. It has taken a looooong time for me to get to that point. Sometimes I think I still need some work! You'll get through it, and you'll come out a much stronger person on the other end! :D

[messajarjar]

Don't think why did he lie to YOU. Do you think that he told his GF that he was coming to meet you? He is lying to her too. He is a LIAR. It is nothing you did. It is just the way he is.

I forgot to add that the guy who didn't call me back, I did contact him by leaving a message on his voice mail and asked him to PLEASE call me back to let me know what was going on. He didn't and I think that is why it took me so long to get over him. If he would have called me back, I would have had the closure I so desperately needed. As for the other situation, I will PM you about the details.

I think they don't let you get the closure you need is because they are too much of a coward to face what they've done!

[Ladyofshalott]

I think they don't let you get the closure you need is because they are too much of a coward to face what they've done!

I think he told me he wanted to remain friends just because he figured that wouldn't cause a scene and it would satisfy me long enough for him to get out of town and back to NY. I don't think he had any intention of still talking to me. He just didn't want to say that to my face figuring it would ruin the rest of the trip. So be it....he chose to handle it that way when he was here and part of me does understand that. Where I believe he went wrong was.....AFTER he got back home not telling me he felt it best we didn't talk anymore. He could have sent me an email. That way he wouldn't have to hear my voice. It doesn't take much courage to write someone an email. He could have written the email and been done with it and then I would have known what was going on and wouldn't be left hanging and wondering....like I am now. That is basically what has effected me the most regarding this whole situation. Him not contacting me in SOME WAY shows he has no regard for my feelings or what I am going through at all!

HUGS
Dawn

[Ladyofshalott]

Hello everyone. I just thought I would update you on the situation with Joe. Although there really isn't too much that has changed. On a good note, I do not cry about what happened between me and him as much as I did a few months ago, so in that regard I sense I have become a little stronger. On a bad note, I have not heard from him AT ALL since he left here back in Sept. I have tried calling him, emailing him, sending him offline messages on YAHOO, and even sent him a Thanksgiving card in the mail. NONE of those attempts to contact him have been met with a reply. When I call him I ALWAYS get voice mail. Usually I just hang up, a few times I have left messages asking if he is OK and if work is going better for him, but as I said above, they are never returned. I call him once ever 2-3 weeks, but I figure I might as well give up. He does NOT want to be friends with me. So the bad note is...I will NEVER get the closure I need. I don't understand how he could have such little regard for my feelings. He must really hate me.

I just love feeling so down for the holidays.

Anyways, just wanted to let you guys know what has been going on with me.

Thanks for reading this.

Dawn

[mom2fussbudgets]

Girl, stop! Write him off. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him! Let him go and move on! For your sake, and the sake of your children. By continuing on with this, you are only prolonging your pain.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but please! He's a selfish jerk, not worthy of your time and attention.

[whiteheadsr]

Girl, stop! Write him off. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him! Let him go and move on! For your sake, and the sake of your children. By continuing on with this, you are only prolonging your pain.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but please! He's a selfish jerk, not worthy of your time and attention.

WELL SAID,
get over him, You need to care more for yourself then to let a guy do this to you. If he hasnt called or emailed Get the hint! He is not gonna give you closure Give yourself the closure. tell yourself you are better then this and love yourself more then this crap he has given you. I am sorry but it sounds like he is way over it and you are just tourchering yourself. Dont give him the benifit of knowing that you are still longing for him. Just quit calling him and stuff he might just wonder why.
I am sorry if I was mean but come on You need to love yourself before anyone can love you.